Hell and Paradise

 Fot. Sławomir Ostrowski

I imagine hell as Galeria Bałtycka. In a dictionary, the definition of “hellhole” gives Galeria Bałtycka as an example. In my previous blog entry I presented a low opinion of Gdanskians (douches) and Galeria Bałtycka is packed with them. All these douchey demons wandering mindlessly buying shit they don’t need. However they look so pleased that they can enjoy their free day walking around a stupid mall filled with other douche demons.

I wish I had lived in Poland during communist times. No shopping trips to another city. The “I” word was never used – IKEA. Were all those solidarity activists such as Lech Wałęsa just being hassled by their wives to change the system because there was nowhere to shop?

And what music is played in hell? RMF FM. And they’ll be playing a lot of The Corrs, that super lame group from Ireland with the hot sisters. They’re famous for ….the hot sisters as well as maybe pleasant songs that are pretty forgettable but linger in your brain. And why this group? Because they suck? It is true that they suck but most people don’t realize it and actually enjoy it. So where would pleasant music be necessary to take people’s minds of their current situation? In hell of course.

I’ve already described how I imagine Galeria Bałtycka as hell, but a personal hell for many people is their work in a cramped office with four desks and Panie Halina i Irena which opens out to a long badly lit corridor/hallway situated in an old communist era office building. Lame music from lame radio stations tame the tea-drinking second-breakfast kanapki-munching gossiping grumpy mobs of biurvas. If the radio stations dared to play decent music, workers would be distracted from their tasks and be friendly to clients. And those clients would walk out of those decrepit buildings and greets other passers-by on the street with a wide smile and not suspicious side-glances.

There would be another wave of great change washing over Poland. There had been the Catholic Church, Tatar invasion, the Partitions, Independence, WWII, Communism, Solidarity, Capitalism and Disco Polo. The next step towards progress and the Perfect Society would be …. good music played on the radio. Protesters would march on RMF FM and Radio Z. Radio Olsztyn and Radio Maria would be burnt down to the ground and homeless dogs would wander by to piss on the ashes.

The Corrs would be forgotten. Alannah Myles would follow. There would be a law prohibiting Modern Talking.

As John Lennon sings in that terribly over-played and rather boring song:

You may say I’m a dreamer

But I’m not the only one

I hope someday you will join us

And the world will be as one